TIDY REALITY

THE EMOTIONAL DESERT TERRAIN...THE SEXOMONEY MEDIA PSYCHE TERRAIN...THE DISTORTIONS OF CLOCKS TERRAIN...

SELF HATE HARMS OTHERS...TRANSFERRENCES AND PROJECTIONS...DISEQUILIBRIUMS OF RESENTMENTS, ENVY COVETOUSNESS...

IMAGE MAKING SAVANT SACRIFICE AS ORDINARY IS DISTORTED IN 'STAR MAKING'...

REDIRECTED REPRODUCTIVENESS INTO TALENT, CORRIDORINGS OF EMULATIONS AND IMITATIONS OF DESIRE AS A STRATEGIST ...A FAILURE TO THRIVE IN AS IS PRESENCE SEEKING DISTORTIONS TO BE AS 'WANTING TO BE WANTED' INSTEAD OF TRUTH OF URGENCY...

BRITTANY MURPHY HEART ATTACK AT 32...One of Murphy's friends told People magazine many of her problems were due to poor self esteem.

"She wore extraordinary amounts of makeup, tons of fake eyelashes, got her teeth capped, dyed her hair blonde, lost weight -- she wanted to be a beauty," the friend said. "She didn't want to be the fat girl from 'Clueless.' She didn't eat a lot. She would drink copious amounts of coffee."

Recently, reports had emerged that Murphy was behaving erratically on movie sets and had been fired from her last film, "The Caller," which her rep denied.

THE MANUFACTURED VERSUS THE REAL...

TO MOVE OUT OF THE CORRIDORINGS OF MEDIUM, AVATAR, SAVANT...OUT OF FALSENESS AND IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT...OUT OF MEDIATION OF IMPOSITIONS AND EXPECTANCY THAT INHIBITS AND LIMITS...

IT IS THE TRUINGS OUT OF THE ACTING OUT AND BEHAVIORS OF IMITATIONS AND PRETENDS...

'WIND UP'

'YOU COULD BEARLY HEAR THE SOUNDS OF THE SPRING'

I LEANED TOWARDS HER AS SHE SPOKE SOME MORE

'IT WAS A SILENT TENSION THAT BUILT UP OVER SO MANY YEARS'

I FELT HER IN HER TIGHTLY WOUND 'WOUNDEDNESS'...

A 'DREAM COLLISION WITHIN A DREAM' ECHOING LOSSES IN HER SOUL...

'I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING'...'I JUST WENT ALONG AND FOUND MY ROLE AS A SILENT PARTNER AS GOOD FOR BOTH OF US...OR SO I THOUGHT'...IT WAS AN UNDERSTANDING IN THE UNSAID...WE WERE THE TEAM...THE PERFECT COUPLE FROM THE TOP OF THE CAKE...

I SAT THERE IN THE FAMILIARITY OF THE INNER CONSTRUCTED 'WEBBINGS' IN CONTAINMENT OF SO MANY ACCUMULATIONS OF 'HURTS'...SO MANY YEARS OF SATISFYING HIS NEEDS AS HER NEEDS AS HIS WAYS WERE HER WAYS AND HOW DID THINGS EVER 'WIND UP' LIKE THIS...

'HE STOLE MY CHILD BEARING AND MY SEXUAL PASSION IN THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT OF OUR PAINKILLER DANCING'...

ONCE AGAIN I SAW ANOTHER 'TAILGATE' DRAMA...A WATERGATE AND A 'REARGATE' OF TOO MANY 'WIND UPS' WITH INCOMPLETE RELEASES...TOO MANY ACCUMULATIONS OF 'NICKS' AND 'CUTTINGS' THAT BECAME 'POWER GREATER THAN LOVE' EXCHANGES...

'I WAS A 'TEENAGE INNOCENT' AND HE WAS 'THE ALL STAR' THAT HELD THE AUDIENCE IN 'TRANCE'...IT WAS A SMALL POND WITH PLENTY OF 'SPOTLIGHT TO SHARE.'

ONCE AGAIN, THE WOUNDED HEART IN THE AMERICAN DREAM BECAME A VERY FAMILIAR STORY...THE 'HE SAID-SHE SAID' DRAMAS OF MOVING TO DO THE 'DIRTY WORK' IN GETTING RID OF THE 'TYRANNY PARENT' THAT SUFFOCATED...THE PRESSURE COOKER OF THE HEART OF DARKNESS WHERE THE BELOVED WAS EXPECTED TO 'OVERTHROW' THE TYRANNY OF EXPECTANCY, REWARD AND EMOTIONAL PUNISHMENT THAT KEPT ONE FROM BECOMING WHO ONE COULD BE...

'I DO NOT WANT TO 'WIND UP' LIKE THEM'.

WHO IS 'THEM' EXCEPT THE VERSION OF HER DEEPEST FEARS AND THE TREACHEROUS INNER SENSES OF THE REFLECTIONS IN THE MIRROR.

'I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN AND PARTY LIKE WE USED TO DO ALL OF THE TIME'.

I KNOW ONE CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN BUT THE RESONANCE AWAKENED AND TOUCHED DEPTHS IN ME THAT HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR 'REDEMPTION' FOR A LONG TIME. IT WAS MY TIME TO 'WIND UP' MY JOURNEY. IT WAS MY TIME TO CLEAR, CLEANSE, AND LET GO OF INERTIAL 'STUFF', THE 'ALL THAT IS NOT ME' IN MY BEING...

'I FEEL SO ALL ALONE'...

I UNDERSTOOD THE TRUTH OF ISOLATION AND 'ALONENESS'...I FELT IT AS A 'THIN-SKINNED' DEEPLY RECEPTIVE MAN WHO LIVED IN THE 'PIVOT-POINT' OF TRANSITIONS, TRANSFERRRENCES AND THE GENERATIVE IN MODELLING THE WAVES OF INTEGRATING 'MICRO' AND 'MACROCOSM'...EVERY PART OF MY SENSINGS HAD BEEN CHARGED, MARKED AND ELECTRIFIED...IT WAS A DEEP THROAT ENERGY ARGUMENT IN BODY AND SOUL....A TEMPO OF BEING HIT BY LIGHTNING FROM GUTS TO GROIN...FROM EYES TO TOES...FROM HEART TO SOUL...

IT WAS THE PRESSURE OF 'NOTHING IS KNOWN UNLESS IT IS FELT'...DEEP, DEEPER, DEEPEST...THE GIANT MAN DROVE ME AS A SPAR WITHOUT ANY SPACE TO SPARE...FOR IT WAS A DISCIPLINE TEMPO OF 'HOW IMPOSSIBLE TO FACE' THAT MADE 'NON-SURVIVING' INTO THE EXPECTANCY THAT COMPELLED MISDIRECTION AND SURROGATE WAYS...

'I HAVE BEEN CRYING EVERYDAY'...'I FEEL SAD AND ABANDONED' AS 'ADAPTATION TO NEGLECT' IS THE TRUTH OF IMPOSITION...I CAN ONLY SEE 'PERFORMANCE IN ACTING' AS A SOLUTION TO THIS RELENTLESS OPPRESSIVENESS IN A FORM OF ENERGY ADDICTIVENESS...WHAT IS IT THAT IS RUNNING ITS COURSE...

IT IS SHAMANIC INITIATORY ILLNESS AND TRANCE AS ONE ENCOUNTERS SPIRITS AND MOVES IN EPISODES OF MYSTICAL DEATH AND RESURRECTION... DISMEMBERMENTS, BOILING ENERGIES, BEING OPERATED ON BY MAGICAL SPIRITS, ORGANS REMOVED AND REPLACED BY 'MAGICAL STONES'... A RADICAL PSYCHE TRANSFORMATION...ECSTASY TO LEAVE ONE'S BODY AND TRAVEL TO THE CENTER OF THE WORLD...THE POWERS OF THE SACRED...

I NO LONGER KNOW...AS THE EXHAUSTION DEFINES AS IT DEMANDS...I SEE THE POSITIONS AND RELATIVENESS...THE USEFULNESS ... THE SURROGATE STATES...A REACTIVITY...

SOMETHING IN THE SHADOWS OF THE HEART GRASPS THE HUNGER FOR LIGHT...IT IS THE BURDEN SENSES OF BEING AS CORRIDORED INTO 'ROLE'...THE DRAMAS OF SO MUCH 'UNLIVED' WITHIN...SO MUCH THAT HAS BEEN REPRESSED FROM ACTIVATION...

'I WANT IT ALL TO BE WHAT IT WAS'...

NO ,IT IS GONE, YET THE OPPORTUNITY IS IN THE PRESENT AS FUTURE...IT IS TRUTH OF BECOMING AS ONE IS RELEASED FROM THE SHACKLES OF SUSTAINED IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT...IT IS A TIME OF CLEANSING AND LETTING THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY...

IT IS RESTORING THE ENERGIES TO HEALTHY ORDERING WITHIN...TO REGULATE THE DYNAMISM OUT OF DISTORTIONS AND DISTURBANCES...AN INTERMEDIARY TO THE COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS[JUNG]...THE EPIC NARRATIVE OF MYTHICAL SCENARIOS AND GENERATIVENESS IN ARTISTIC PRODUCTION...

THE SHAMAN 'LIVES' THE MYTHS IN ECSTATIC PSYCHOPOMP...HE TAKES ON THE 'UNCONSCIOUS CONTENTS' OF WHAT HAS INUNDATED THE PATIENT IN A TRANSFERRENCE...A RESOLUTION OF A PSYCHE CRISIS...

IT IS GUIDANCE OUT OF THE NARCOTIC AND HOUDINI ESCAPISM OF THE CLOCKS OF DISTORTION...OUT OF THE BARBICAN FORTRESSINGS...

IT IS THE OVERCOMING OF A 'TIDY REALITY' IN THE ACCESSING IN THE UNCONSCIOUSNESS OF THE FORCES OF DENIAL, IMPOSITION, EXPECTANCY AND SUPPRESSION...IT IS RELEASING FORCE OF REALNESS TO TRUTH OF URGENCY OUT OF THE MEDIATIONS OF THE APPETITES OF HUNGRY GHOSTS DEEP WITHIN...